Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
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doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My birthstone is kidney
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days