People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Coffee for people with no kids
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi