I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
me doing my best
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
How does one answer this?
c’mon!
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
This probably isn’t good
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly