Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100