There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
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Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.