i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
You Might Also Like
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
2 years later
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children