Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
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I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest