Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
You Might Also Like
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops