It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
You Might Also Like
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
New tinder profile pic
absolute chaos
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit