[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
i baked you a cake
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair