me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..