Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
figuring out my emotional availability:
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.