My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on