And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
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If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂