I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.