I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I need better friends
Haha good job!!
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that