Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Don’t talk down to me
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
ouch
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick