Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
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SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
😂😂😂
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.