i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche