Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
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“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?