JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer: