The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
dutch so unserious
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁