Which wines pair best with gloating?
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I’m not stressed
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.