Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
time machine? you mean a clock?