WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
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Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
ibopfufen
Breaking news:
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man