My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..