this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe