Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me too
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Based Erika
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
yea so i messed up lol
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!