Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
A man of commitment.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.