Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy