3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Time heals everything 🙂
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Thrilling chase underway
u spoke cat all this time??????
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick