Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.