Lmao
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
me adding lol on a serious message
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
i was baptized in a car wash
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
When someone trying to leave me
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog