jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
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[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I want this so bad
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted