I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
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officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
The news
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.