I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.