Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
So, can we agree on 4 or
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
shut up and take my money
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.