When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
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motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Blew my mind.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.