Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.