It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
bad news gang
He died doing what he loved: being alive
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.