gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
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me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.