receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.