Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.