Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
There are no pants in heaven.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My love language is deader than Latin
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar