One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
You Might Also Like
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Grandmother clock.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving