It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech