ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
You Might Also Like
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook