Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
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hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.