It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
inventing words: clothing
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Sticker placement is key.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.