No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog